The Ninth Inning Taco
A sold-out minor league baseball stadium in Albuquerque at 9:38 PM, where the home team is down by one run in the bottom of the ninth and the between-innings t-shirt cannon has just been loaded with a frozen burrito by mistake.
The Isotopes' mascot, Orbit Jr., is unconscious behind the dugout after slipping on nacho cheese, and someone needs to operate the cannon for the promotional toss or the stadium's biggest sponsor — a regional chain called Taco Loco that accounts for 40% of the team's ad revenue — walks. Double has already picked up the cannon. The burrito inside weighs roughly three pounds and the barrel is aimed at Section 214, which is entirely full of eight-year-olds attending a birthday party. Bust is pointing at the "CAUTION: 90 PSI" sticker on the tank and doing math on his phone.
“I've thrown heavier things at closer children and everyone was FINE. We're saving baseball here, man.”
“That's a frozen projectile at ninety PSI into a section where the average skull hasn't fully fused yet. I can hear the lawsuit from here.”
The frozen burrito exited the cannon at an arc that should have been illegal in three states, sailed clean over Section 214, and shattered against the Jumbotron — which displayed the impact in slow-motion replay, causing the entire stadium to erupt in the loudest cheer of the night. Taco Loco's VP, already drafting the termination email on his phone, instead doubled the sponsorship on the spot and ordered 500 frozen burritos for next Saturday's 'Burrito Blitz' promotion.
We committed aggravated assault on a Jumbotron and somehow got a raise.
I didn't even aim — the burrito KNEW where it needed to be.