The Substitute Auctioneer
A sweltering middle school gymnasium in Beaumont, Texas at 7:09 PM, where 200 folding chairs face a plywood podium and a seized-property lot catalog is already missing pages 11 through 14.
The county sheriff's auction is about to start and the licensed auctioneer just called in with a shattered collarbone from a jet ski accident. Double has watched exactly nine hours of auction content on YouTube and is already adjusting the microphone. The lot sheet includes a repossessed 2019 bass boat, a pallet of industrial ceiling fans, and — inexplicably — a storage unit in Galveston whose manifest simply reads 'MISC TAXIDERMY + 1 SAFE.' Bidder #47, a woman in a pantsuit who has attended every county auction since 2016, is already raising her paddle to object.
“I did a garage sale once and made eleven hundred bucks. This is basically that but with a microphone and legal authority.”
“You need a Texas auctioneer license to do this, which requires 80 classroom hours you definitely spent watching bass boat videos instead.”
Double made it exactly three lots in before accidentally selling the 2019 bass boat to himself for $200, at which point Bidder #47 produced a laminated copy of Texas Occupations Code §1802 and the deputy sheriff gently but firmly escorted him off the podium. The taxidermy unit went unsold and is now accruing $40/day in storage fees under Double's bidder number.
Technically I own a bass boat now, so I'd call that a win with minor paperwork.
You are receiving certified mail from both the Texas Department of Licensing and a storage facility in Galveston, and somehow you're smiling.